The following I wrote a few days ago, admittedly whilst slightly drunk, although as always I have been truthful in what is written. It has taken a couple days to decide whether to post this or not but I have decided I will do (obviously) for reasons I'm sure I will fully understand someday.
Part of me wondered, was it all an illusion? Were we ever as close as I thought we were? It seemed to me that in little more than a month he had become more trusted than I had in over a year. And if I accepted this as fact it would force a reassessment of my position, to decide where I really stood. I thought, was it all lies, had I been told what I wanted to hear. I've come to the conclusion that these people who I felt were my friends, had never really accepted me, that it was all on the surface, that one scratch would reveal the truth, and that night I had done more than scratch the surface. My thoughts then went back further, to other friendships I thought I had. So many fell apart under the slightest pressure. I was forced to wonder, had it all been lies, had the majority of my life been filled with people who tolerated me, but wouldn't have cared if I didn't show up one day?
These thoughts, I don't know what prompted them, maybe they had all just built up and the resulting pressure had caused them to burst out like a volcanic eruption. But they made me angry. I wanted answers, if my conclusions were accurate. I wanted to know if my life was a lie.
Thing is, this realization, it should have put me on the 5 stages of grief, after all, I thought that I had lived a sham of a life for years. If I was truly upset about it though, I should have gone into denial first. Hell, maybe I have an accelerated grief system, having to deal with a parents death at a young age, because as I write this I seem to have accepted it. I've had the anger, and the acceptance, but whoops, silly me, I forgot denial, bargaining and depression. Not that I can take much comfort in that, not that I can take much comfort from a lot at present. I'm just one man, even more alone in the world than he originally thought.
